i question myself a lot. if i deserve to be happy or loved. i always come to the same conclusion which is no.

i don’t do well with a group of people. i’m shy and awkward.

last night i went out with jenni and two of her friends and met two other friends. jenni’s “bff” kept taking her away from me. not including me in conversations and linking arms with her and leaving me behind. i don’t do well with this. i felt like i was being challenged. he kept saying all this stuff they had done and jenni is just cracking up. so when i get into those situations, i close up. i don’t even try. it’s not in my nature. i can’t talk so freely with people i don’t know.

jenni kept getting so mad at me. which i understand. but it’s like, why don’t you try to include me? instead she’s off in her own world with her bff and i’m sitting there staring at the floor. then she’ll yell at me after 30 minutes “samantha!!! you’re making me depressed!! you need to drink!!!!!” wtf? she was my only good friend there. how does she expect me to act? i’ve always been shy. and being around guys make it 5484658 worse even tho they are gay.

then i felt awful cuz i was texting q cuz i was frustrated and he wasn’t responding and i said my famous but always serious “sorry for bugging you” cuz i should not have bothered him with my freaking out. i think he got mad at me and i hate when i cause that. now that he is in a bad mood today i won’t even attempt a conversation.

it just frustrates me. so now i feel like really jenni and i aren’t that close and i should stop hanging out with her. she does not have that much fun with me. i know that sounds completely ridiculous. i’m sure when we can hang out again it will be ok again. i’m just so self conscious. 

i’m done.

i think i have the most racist and homophobic and selfish twin.

she is incredibly judgmental. when we went to see orgy, she had her nose up to everyone coming in the door. there weren’t even that many “weird” people!! they all looked relatively normal. some had piercings or different styled hair, but nothing that “weird”. it amazes me how much better she thinks she is than others when she is not, at all.

my older sister had said my twin had been worried i would marry someone of a different race. she just thinks that’s wrong. really? falling in love is wrong? oh so i need to marry a stupid white redneck who cannot hold down a job? not a smart, educated and very eager to take care of his family middle eastern? i mean really? how does someone’s color entitle them to being better than anyone?

when i was at her apartment, we were trying to watch something on netflix. she said to me seriously, she did not laugh, “you need to stop watching these asian movies. jason and i will be looking for something and think it looks cool and it’s subtitled! god” fuck you. i suggested we watch i love you phillip morris cuz it seemed funny. and right away “no” cuz they have main gay characters. no she did not say that is why, but i know my sister.

she does not care about me like she does her friends (well she does not like the 4 of us in this household as much as her friends). however, she loves to use me to get people to say what a good sister she is. no you aren’t danielle. you aren’t.

i’m so frustrated with her i could scream.

i know being a mother/parent is very hard. it’s prolly the hardest job in the world. but all i can think is, the kids do not ask to be born.

my mother is “retired” from folding clothes at people’s houses. she sleeps until 11am. gets up, drinks coffee, watches soap operas, plays online, takes a nap, wakes up about 20 minutes before i get off work and starts making food. 

i said something about this to her and she goes “but think about all those years i did work.” you have not worked in 25 years!!!! yes you were a mother to twins and an older girl, but again, YOU wanted a baby. i cannot feel bad for you.

how can she not want me to be happy? everytime i talk about getting married or having a kid, she scoffs “yeah right, you will never move away” 

fuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, you fucking bitch. fuck you. how can you want me to live paycheck by paycheck? why would you be perfectly ok with your babies living this way?

i hate you. now that i am older, i hate you so much.

i am screamed at to change the way i act. to just fucking stop being this way.

then i mention my mother and it’s all “you are depressed this is why you are like this! you need pills!”

and then forgetting all about that it goes back to me just needed to fix myself. i’m fucking confused.

my mother has absolutely no care that she has made her daughters into nothings. her oldest only wants to be with her forever. her middle daughter while acts independent, calls her often. 

but then there is me. because i am the youngest and the smallest, my mother told my sisters, especially my twin, to watch out for me. since then, i’ve been treated like a child. used to, i loved this. i wanted to be coddled and cared for.

my mother used to be my best friend. she always was on my side. i loved being around her. she was my favorite family member. about when i turned 22, i think, i decided to move from home and with my older sister and my nana. i had noticed how unfair i was treated and how much my mother started catering to my twin. my twin could do anything she wanted to with no guilt. but i could not. it was not fair. i was 22 and still being treated like i was 10. so i moved.

i realize now, those years i spent just me and my older sister (and my nana when she was alive) was the best years i had. hanging out just me and kristi, getting to do new things. getting to spend time with my nana before she died. i took it all for granted and i regret it.

now i am home again. my entire paycheck goes into my mothers account. every single bit of it. i don’t even know the login information. the money i work HARD to make, that i DESERVE, i can’t even see. i feel guilty just asking my mother for MY OWN MONEY to go out to eat with my only friend here. how is this right?

my mother does not care or want us to grow from her. she wants us right here forever. and i do not. i can’t do this. i can’t. everyday i feel more and more like all i want to do is die. then maybe my mother will feel the pain i go thru every single day. i know it sounds awful to compare someone’s daughter dying to my not having a life but let’s think about this. i pretty much am watching myself die. every day. this is not right.

i could talk forever about the wrongs i feel from my mother but in all honesty, it’s very hard on me.

now i want to move on to one more thing. my need to feel wanted. i need to be reassure i’m loved and important and needed and all that awful stuff i should jsut get.

but… my head CANNOT register this. i do not feel like i have ANY of this. i promise you i do not get like this because i like it. god, i don’t. i know how much it infuriates ya’ll. i just cannot process that i am an important person in anyway. i can’t even see that anyone cares about my day to day talking. i feel so useless and unwanted.

i know you all hate this about me but i swear i work on this all the time. i try SO hard to see that i am loved and needed but then it all slips away from me that there is no way on earth i can be in anyway.

(Source: samsari)

my parents are almost 60 years old. which really, 60 is still very young. there are 80 year olds that can get up/down, walk, etc and be okay. they don’t let their age affect them that bad.

my parents however let their age stop them from doing stuff. it pisses me off. they both need to lose weight and eat better. i’m not going to take care of them forever. especially when these dogs die. i’m not sticking around. they have got to realize there is a lot they can do.

ugh.